I want to open the conversation of infertility. Infertility is the persistent inability to conceive a child. Generally, over 12 months of actively trying without conceiving will fall into the term “Infertility". This is a highly stressful perceived "label" and I want you to know the truth about the emotions during infertility treatment nobody talks about.
The best I can do is give my perspective from a Husband and a Healthcare Provider's point of view. For those of you just starting your care. This article is intended to help you understand what you are going to experience. For those of you who have been going through infertility for some time, this article is to VALIDATE your emotional experience. Also, I want to give some perspective as to what your partner may be feeling, to help you understand that what you are feeling is NORMAL.
To preface there are 4 levels of emotion worth mentioning and I want to break down the emotional experience of the following: Spiritual, Family, Spousal, and Individual. If any of these categories do not interest you, or you are not ready to read, please, just skip over it. You can always come back. But I want to tell the truth, no matter how hard it is to read.
The theme of all these topics is going to be - Infertility sucks. In every category we talk about - it sucks. It ALL SUCKS. I don’t have any other way to describe it. By recognizing these different struggles together, maybe it will offer a sense of peace.
Emotions During Infertility Treatment: Spiritual
There is no other way to put it, but you are going to be mad at God. And what will annoy you and put the dagger in the heart is when you hear the common cliche “God has a plan for you” over and over and over. To twist the dagger a little deeper you will likely hear “we will pray for you”.
The truth is you know these things. Having people telling you on a regular basis is difficult because you are having an emotional war in your mind with God, every day. We’ve heard all throughout our youth of the great stories and teachings of how God has our back, how God works miracles, but…. Just not for me… right? I’m not being heard…. I have been responsible all my life to ready my life for a child…. What have I done wrong in God’s eyes? Those teachings of God are true…. Just not for me….?
This is the game you will play in your mind. Daily! Maybe even hourly. This is NORMAL. Look at it this way. Just because you're mad at God doesn’t mean you don’t love him. Just because you're mad at God doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. For example, you love your spouse with all your heart, but I guarantee you have been mad at them. That doesn't mean you don't believe in them, or hate them. It is NORMAL. And it is OK.
And I know you don’t want to hear it, but God does have your back. The only way I can describe this phenomenon is by realizing you have received the gift of wisdom. Now I know that sounds ridiculous, as receiving a gift is generally associated as a “positive”. Well, with this “gift” the very real and realized daily battle of “patience” on this earth is heavily experienced. And I will say this, it will not feel fair, because we have no idea what will be required of us to fulfill this "gift" of patience. It will be humbling. So much that it can break you down into tears and a massive experience of emotion. It flat out sucks.
Emotions During Infertility Treatment: Family
In times of emotional trial, Family is usually the backbone and crutch to emotional support. Think about funerals. It's the first time family gets together in years because of the loss of a loved one. You have people to hug, people to cry with, people to support you, people to talk about memories. We do this to help each other grieve.
The grief you experience with infertility, is completely different. In fact, it is almost the opposite. You want your family there, but you don’t want them to say anything about your infertility experience. In fact, you may feel like your parents, who in general are excited about the idea of becoming grandparents, say all the wrong things. If they ask a question, it angers you. And maybe it’d be good for parents to read this as well. It's almost like you revert back to when you were a teen. You really don't want any advice or ideas your parents have to offer. Mostly, because it annoys you because you don't feel like they understand, and quite frankly, you don't want any advice. But deep down, you just want them there.
Let's keep this in perspective a little bit. Parents have always been a care taker to their children. It is what you, yourself want to experience. They may not convey this message to you, but they are worried about you. It is ok to have a tough conversation about asking for boundaries, what to expect, etc. Only you know what those expectations should be. But please, have the conversation with your family if needed. Or this experience can be damaging and it will suck.
Emotions During Infertility Treatment: Spousal
Before we talk about the emotional experience when interacting with your spouse during treatment. We have to first address the financial burden of infertility treatment causes. This is very important to understand, as it can contribute to stress you and your spouse will experience together.
Financial problems is one of the Top 5 reasons couples go through a divorce. It doesn't matter whether you choose to pursue intrauterine insemination (IUI), in-vitro fertilization (IVF), surrogacy or adoption, the costs can reach six figures. To me, the prices are insane, and this was a major motivator for me to come up with items that may be overlooked in infertility treatment. As you go through this emotional process, take control of this one right away. Come up with a plan with your spouse, so you can be on the same page. This is something you CAN control during the process, and take advantage of it, so you can keep clarity and focus on both your emotions and treatments.
The emotional journey with your spouse is hard. And this is the part where I can only give my perspective from a husband's stand point. The only advice I can say to our wives is never lose sight that we love you more than anything.
Men are inherently protectors and providers. Our minds work in a way to find solutions to a problem. Because we perceive ourselves as protectors, we need to put up a front of strength. And in the moments of severe emotion, we have a tendency to keep that "tough" front up, even when our spouse needs to see emotion from us. The reality is, we are hurting inside. The biggest reason is because we are experiencing massive emotional vulnerability which is not expected of us in society, and men are - to put it nicely - less than ideal at conveying that emotion without bringing down their guard of a protector.
Husbands could come off as if they are becoming distant. The reality is, they don't know what to do. They don't know what to say. They have no solutions to the problem. They feel as if they cannot provide for their wives. They see their wives emotions like never before. They are trying to give you the space you may need, but be there at the same time. Not to mention the massive spiritual and family emotions as discussed above.
A hard emotion that is vivid to me was giving injections, which were required for infertility treatment. I only felt as if my wife was a science fair project, and it was not fair. Why couldn't it be me instead? Seeing her put this weight on her shoulders, seeing her feel so isolated as if she was the "problem" was enough to ask the question, "is this all worth it?" She clearly is no problem to me. She is my world. I wish I could have done a better job conveying this to my wife at the time.
Women, please do not forget this. When men give their vows to you, they are forever loyal to you. You are their teammate. They. Love. You. Believe me when I say, there is no other frustrating emotion when we cannot give you something you so badly want. Please keep talking to us and telling us your emotions. We need to hear what you are feeling more than you know. And it sucks that there is nothing else we can do for you.
Emotions During Infertility Treatment: Individual
This portion of the article is the hardest for me to write. I can only give my view from a healthcare provider's stand point. All I have to say is I don't know how women do it. The immense pressure women must feel has to be unlike anything else.
Know this. You are strong. You are not a failure, especially to the 3 items we just talked about. The hardest part about this, is you have to find peace, no matter the outcome. The problem is, your peace, may only be found in 1 or a combination of the things we just talked about.
The problem is, I can't tell you what peace looks like for you right now. It is a process. You may even be mad at me for saying that finding peace in this process is even a reality. You may even think I am a hypocrite because I just told you how those first 3 items discussed, suck. That is ok. I can take it. I also know you are now wise, and with that wisdom you will navigate through your emotions and heart in a way nobody else can understand. I believe in you.
I hope you found this article helpful. If you did, share it with friends that may need to hear these words. Feel free to share your experience in the comments. Someone will find your experience helpful. Heck, you can even bash me in the comments. I am ok with it. Please reach out if you need another ear to listen.
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